|"If you want to be my girlfriend, then you need to know: This is who I am. This is what love means to me. This is why I love. This is how I love. This is what you can expect from me because I live and love true to my self. This is what I expect of you as my lover. These are my standards. These are my preferences. These are my non-negotiables. I will not mislead you, nor promise you anything I have no desire or intention of providing. Are you willing to operate at that same level of truth and disclosure? Then, given our individual demands, expectations, wants and desires, if we are, in fact, compatible.... would you like to play in my sandbox?"--Walt|
The new relationship guidelines for men who want to be men, and the women who love them!..
(First in the "Loving True to Your Self™" series. Coming soon: Femininity 2.0!)
I wrote this book because my girlfriend said I should teach a course on how to satisfy a woman!
Now, I accept the possibility that those words may have been your standard boost-your-man's-ego-in-bed pillow talk that every man (hopefully) hears at some point. However, being the literalist I am, I took her suggestion to heart and asked her to explain why she thought it would be a good idea.
"Well," she said. "You have some very common sense ideas about men and women—how they interact, and how to maximize that interaction for intimacy and enjoyment of each other sexually and in other ways—that seem to have been overlooked/lost/not emphasized, even almost purposely squashed in our society today.
"Those ideas," she continued, "set off a physical chain reaction in me that made me feel more feminine, inspired me to express my femininity, awakened feminine desires, and as you experienced for yourself, put me in touch with what I wanted you to do to me to satisfy those desires.
"Plus, in listening to your outlook on male/female dynamics, I was left with a palpable sense of your masculinity and my femininity, and how much of a turn-on our differences in this arena are, and I just think other men and women could really stand to finally handle the truth!"
Cool! Well, thanks, for that, sweetie. Now, between you and me, I think she might be biased, but I wrote this book anyway, to share:
(1) a personal philosophy and belief system about relationships and sexuality,
(2) a concept of masculinity and femininity that works for me and my girlfriends,
(3) my personal compatibility and selection standards that keep me happy and get me the women I want,
(4) behavioral guidelines for my relationship that keep me guilt-free and living true to my self,
(5) private sex practices that keep me young, strong and virile, and make my girlfriends say the things they do,
(6) my positions on monogamy, marriage, gender roles, porn, kinks, fetishes, and biological wiring that allow me the freedom to love others honestly and, most importantly, to love true to my self! And all of this, is supported by:
(7) input and feedback from the women I date, through their actual conversations, interviews, emails and letters!
In other words, I wrote this book to share things you'd get to know, things you'd need to know, as well as criteria you'd have to meet, if you want to be my girlfriend! And since the suggested goal was to satisfy women, men are invited to take notes and follow what resonates with them. Women may simply complete and submit an application!
Now, once I started my research for this book, people asked me if I intended this to be a "how to" manual for men.
Well, I wouldn't be so presumptuous as to tell other men how they should live their lives. I'm simply offering my own thoughts, beliefs and practices as a first-hand overview of what works for me. These ideas and practices are simply one option—a choice that at least one other man (me) has made—for how to live and love. Now, should others wish to follow these ideas on a path of their own happiness, I won't sue!
So, while I won't go so far as to say that this is applicable to every man in society, I will say that these changes in my own living and loving were necessary because of what I observe and interpret as shortcomings, flaws, errors and outright lies in the belief system that informs the overall state of relationships in our society. Those observations led to a set of questions I had to answer for myself.
In achieving happiness in our society, I had to answer:
Who am I?
Because we operate from a self-concept that is either incorrect or incomplete, and thus, we cannot live true to the self if we do not know who that self is.
What is love?
Because we do not understand the basis of attraction and strive for ideals that may be impractical, or non-existent.
Why do I love?
Because we structure or allow others to structure our relationships in ways that contradict what we really want.
Whom do I love?
Because we choose partners with whom we are fundamentally incompatible.
How do I love?
Because we engage in relationships and intercourse in ways that limit our pleasure
When do I love?
Because we interact for durations of time that undermine our happiness.
Where do I love?
Because we reside and remain in locations and environments that do not support our wiring or the fulfillment of our desires, and ultimately:
What is a man?
Because we do not have a clear concept of masculinity.
Once I started sharing this book to get their feedback, my friends and lovers asked me, "Who's your audience?" Despite the title, this book is for men and women. I should be clear, however, that these ideas are not for everybody. They are for a certain type of man who wants a certain type of woman. Here's how to tell if you might really need to read it:
1. If you're a man in search of a girlfriend, but don't feel comfortable with learning pick up lines or using internet dating sites; or, if you keep meeting women who just want to be friends, or who just don't "do it" for you, then you might really need to read this book.
2. If you're a man who feels a little less than man now in your relationship with your girlfriend/spouse than when the relationship started, but can't quite figure out when and how you lost that lovin' manly feeling, then you really need to read this book to help keep the male-female dynamic alive in your next relationship. Yes, by that I mean it may already be too late to save this one, and I'll tell you why in Chapter 7.
3. If you're a man who gets pleasure from giving pleasure to your woman, and you want a woman who fits your definition of "feminine" without feeling like your only choices are to be a brainless caveman, an insensitive jerk, a misogynistic bad boy, or a callous Don Juan to get what you want, then you might discover some new options in this book.
4. If you're a woman and you rolled your eyes in offense at the sheer arrogance of the title, and are threatened by the idea of a man with a functioning set of gonads and criteria he uses to decide whether or not to allow someone into his life, then you really need to read this book!
5. Whether man or woman, if, despite what you feel are your best efforts to make it otherwise, you just can't seem to keep a relationship lasting the length of time you'd like it to last, then this book that might really be of value to you!
6. As a man or woman, if you want to discover some overlooked elements of masculinity, femininity and sex most relationship gurus overlook, or purposely avoid, and finally understand why most of their advice will never apply to you or solve the real issue that keeps coming up in your love life, then you really need to read this book.
7. Finally, whoever you are, even if things seem to be going quite well, and getting better every day in your brand new relationship, there may be aspects of your interaction with each other that, while they may not seem important now, may be laying the groundwork for trouble ahead.
In other words, whether you're a man or woman, if you're not happy with your love life the way it is, and if it makes sense to revisit, reevaluate, and ultimately change what you believe about love—what love is, why you love, who you love, how you love, and even where you love—then this book was actually really written just for you! (Yes, I'll be covering a bit more than simply how to satisfy a woman!)
I'd like to think of us as friends, okay? Great!
Well, as my friend, this book is really just a conversation between the two of us. I'm going to share the things I'd share with you—whether male or female—if we were just hanging out at my place, or on the sidewalk doing some people-watching. Nothing is off limits. You can ask me absolutely anything, and be warned, I tend to bring up anything. My friends and I talk about everything—under-arm odor, sex, bowel movements, kinks, fetishes, anything!
As my friend, I'll give you my opinion, make you laugh, share the books I've read, websites I've visited, talk about people I know (yep, gossip), plus experiences and realizations I've come to that have shaped my life.
However, if we were actually engaged in a face-to-face conversation, the difference is that there would be an exchange of information and opinion, and I would—as I do with all my friends, if they want it—offer some suggestions tailor-made to what I intuit or know to be your own interests, lifestyle, hopes and fears to help you find what works for you. I'm not out to convert you to my way of being, but if you ask me, I'll always share what I know, so that others may grow.
Unfortunately, since we don't have the privilege of such an exchange, I'll simply share with you what works for me and other people I know, try to anticipate some of what you might be thinking and feeling, and sprinkle in a few "here's what I would do" suggestions, and hope they help.
The other thing this book will offer is insight into my belief system. A belief system is vital to just about everything in life. If you believe the world is flat, you won't venture too far off the coast of land. If you believe people are basically evil—rather than good—you'll never develop trust or a feeling of safety in your relationships. The reason Tiger Woods can do the things he does (um, on the golf course), is because of the belief system he has about himself, about others, about the world, and about his place in it. So, this book will offer glimpses into the way I see myself, the way I see the world and my place in it, that affect the lifestyle I am bold enough to venture out to achieve.
Perhaps the greatest thing you'll get from this book is that if you've had any of the same thoughts and opinions I've had, but have been cautious about sharing them out loud, then you might simply find someone you can relate to!
At the same time, perhaps my girlfriend was right. Maybe people aren't really talking about things in this way. If so, that would be great! If you have conversations like these with your significant other, I think, at the very least, they will bring the two of you closer together. These are discussions people should be having in their relationships. I believe you'll experience a new level of freedom just by bringing them up for discussion. And, honestly, nothing would please me more than to give you something to think and talk about that helps create freedom! That's what friends are for.
Oh, and by the way, speaking of friends, one of my other friends—a guy in Taiwan, you don't know him—mentioned that although my book addresses a different set of concerns, he liked the sales pitch of a certain Pick Up Artist (PUA) website he knew about. That reference gave me an idea to create my own unique sales pitch to distinguish my book from other books out there in what people might think is a related category. Check it out:
"Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he'll eat for a lifetime.
Reveal to a man that he's actually the owner of a
five-star restaurant with an unlimited international menu....
...and he'll stop settling for freakin' fish."
QUESTION: What's more effective than pick up lines, and even more important than sex techniques?
ANSWER: Having a clear sense of who you are and what it means to be a man.
That answer applies to men and women. As a woman, you can also get what you want, if you have a clear sense of what it means for your man to be a man.
So, why is that better than pick up lines? Well, you see, when a clearly defined man enters a room, people (not just women) can sense it, and they respond accordingly. Then, you can simply be yourself. Therefore:
"If you want to be my girlfriend..." is not offering a list of great pick-up spots or travel destinations where you can meet willing and eager bar girls. Hey, don't get me wrong, I think those do, in fact, serve a valid purpose and fill a need, but to me, that's like giving a man a fish. He'll eat for a day.
"If you want to be my girlfriend..." is not offering proven lines for picking up women. It's not about teaching surefire word combinations and phrases for wooing her into bed. Those are definitely helpful, too, since that's like teaching a man to fish for himself. Yes, he could eat for a lifetime.
"If you want to be my girlfriend..." is not offering "here's how to drive your lover crazy in bed" techniques. Everyone is different, and what's a turn-on for you, may be a total mood-killer for me!
What "If you want to be my girlfriend..." does offer men and women is something I think is much more valuable: clarity about themselves and the dynamics of male-female interaction in a way that clears up a lot of confusion. When you're clear about who you are, and you've set standards for what you want, other things work themselves out, and who knows? You just might find you don't need pick up lines or remedial dating help after all!
It's challenging in practice, I know. It's one of those things that's simple in theory, but a bit more challenging to put into practice. It may not happen overnight, but, as I alluded to in the fish metaphor, that growing self-awareness of who you really are may transform your entire strategy from fishing like a beggar, to feasting as the owner of your own in-demand restaurant. That's what I hope "If you want to be my girlfriend..." can offer you: a new concept of your identity, a sense of the increased value you offer, and thus, more confidence in setting standards.
And speaking of standards, as I was writing this introduction, I received a quote from a self-help resource (tut.com) that read:
"Some of the coolest dreams that ever came true,
weren't dreams at all, but standards
that simply weren't compromised."
That's exactly what I realized about my life, and why I wrote this book: to help you define for your self what it means to be a man, set and stick to those standards and make some cool dreams come true!
Ask yourself: Why would a man sit by a pond all day with his pole sticking out, begging for fish to bite, when he, in fact, owns a valuable restaurant where all kinds of dishes are being served up every day, and where the fish are literally begging him to make them the catch of the day? He wouldn't.
In fact, he may realize, finally that...
a. he's been fishing in the wrong pond all along,
b. he doesn't even like fish and would rather have steak,
c. that he is, in fact, the gatdam man! :-)
...Oh, and "d," if he's a generous friend, he might share his new found knowledge with all his friends on Facebook who are still sitting by the pond settling for freakin' fish!
1. Why men don't really enjoy sex as much as women do, and why once-a-month is the best frequency for all involved.
2. The only way a marriage can work is if it's a 7-year contract. But, we won't be getting married. You'll be happy.
3. "It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean..." and other lies women tell men with small boats; what women will do and say differently if you're in the Big Boat Club!
4. Why men watch porn...it's not always what you think.
5. How and why your grandparents stayed married for 50+ years, and why they'll never reveal the real secret!
6. The difference between "women who want to be women and women who want to be men."
7. Why a harem is the only workable living arrangement for everyone's happiness.
8. How capitalism robbed you of your gonads and gave them to your wife.
9. Why some men's "lovin' spoonful" tastes better than others.
10. Why you may be living in the wrong country to be happy.
11. The undeniable, inescapable and inextricable link between the shape of a woman's feet and femininity, and, wait for it:
12. How to TAME your girlfriend!
And speaking of which....
"If we're both exactly the same, and serve the same purpose and function.....then one of us is unnecessary."
— Me (and people like me)
One thing I'd like to assure you of as you read "If you want to be my girlfriend..." is:
NO ONE WILL BE ATTACKED!
Many of the articles and books written with the goal of helping men assert themselves, reclaim their masculinity or simply get dates, seem to have a few things in common. They come across as slightly (often excessively) misogynistic, disrespectful, objectifying, hyper-aggressive, and seem written from a place of deep frustration and anger, with an underlying callousness and disregard for the humanity of women. It even riles up the inner feminist in people who don't even think of themselves as feminist!
Likewise, the rebuttals they generate from the people who get riled up, are similarly attack-based and rife with their own frustrations. Everyone's pointing fingers! Everyone's blaming the other side! Everyone's feeling attacked and getting angrier and angrier!
Stop the madness!! It doesn't have to be this way!
There's no need to tear down the other side in order to make a point or prove your case. That's not my style.
In "If you want to be my girlfriend...", I'm going to suggest a personal overview that will hopefully be a refreshing way of looking at things that may be valuable to both sides. The goal is for all of us to live in harmony aware of how our differences serve to ensure our mutual benefit and happiness.
No one will be insulted. No one will be minimized, demonized, slandered or discredited. No one will be attacked. Can't we all just get along? We need each other. Let's work towards solutions. We can do this.